It's the little things in life.

With everything that is going on in the world (and there is rather a lot) it is easy to forget the little things in life. Here are some of those simple pleasures that we often overlook.

New socks feel amazing, especially if you've been hiking, it's like a foot orgasm.

Towels are fantastically useful.

Pockets. I would be dead if I didn't have pockets. Giving me trousers without pockets would be a form of torture.

Fresh bedding. Enough said.

Putting on warm clothes straight from the radiator when it's cold.

Putting a video into a VCR.

Going to the toilet when you've been dying for a wee.

Reading books, actual books.

A cold glass of water on a hot day.

A warm drink on a cold day.

Potatoes are bloody brilliant.

A ball. Can't even begin to think about the amount of fun I've had with a ball.

Fish and chips by the seaside (possibly the greatest thing ever if you're British).

Feel free to add any that you think should be on the list. Now go on and be happy. Remember how the little things can cheer you up.

International Dance Day!

Go on, boogie on down. There are plenty of dances you can do, even if you can't really dance. Have fun.

Saturday night's TV.

The title of this post is too general if I'm honest. Its really just about The Voice and Doctor Who. I've generally been a fan of Doctor who, not a mad keen, die-hard fan, but a normal 'ooh Doctor Who is back on' kind of fan. This series is, if I'm honest, quite boring. It isn't really progressing anywhere, there aren't any good new monsters and it does not make any sense. I'm spending the entire episode trying to figure out what is going on, instead of just enjoying what is going on. 

My frustration at Doctor Who however is nothing compared to my anger at The Voice. Once you get over the 'ooh look, a rotating chair' novelty (which takes about 10 seconds) then the show becomes incredibly irritating. The hosts over-hype the show. The contestants are mediocre. The audience just applaud like monkeys watching poo being hurled at walls and the judges are very annoying. Jessie J is just there for eye candy. Will.i.am, or William as I will call him because it is his name and is easier to type, thinks he is god's gift to the music industry and is positively hilarious. Danny just isn't that good a musician in the first place and Tom Jones, who I used to like, seems to be turning into a creosoted big head. I watched the first episode of the current series and gave myself a headache through shouting at the television so much. With the X-factor and Britain's Got Talent and other shows like those, it is a wonder that this show has even been commissioned. I don't think we are exactly short of singers. Good singers, yes, but talent show standard singers, no. 

I'm not going to get angry about any of this because it is just television. Nobody is forcing me to watch so I can just switch it off. Which I will. 

Busy day, don't worry, be happy.

I quite enjoy doing this blog (I'd enjoy it more if people commented and things but ah, oh well) but I've been really rather busy today so I'm afraid you'll have to be content with this.

I think I'll do a few more posts on current events and politics etc, some about music and maybe continue some of the series I've been doing, like Yeehaw News Roundups, Things I Don't Understand and Adverts.

One thing I really want to do is to be more cheerful and more positive. There are plenty of bad things out there, and unless I'm warning you to help you, then you don't really need me to point them out. It is the little good things that often go unnoticed, because the news rarely reports them and people rarely talk about them.

Think about the good things, because most of the time you can't do a single thing to stop the bad things from happening anyway. You can make good things happen though. If we can't make each other happy, with all our technology and civilisation and knowledge and wealth and power then what is the point in having all that? We're all going to wind up dead and what use is money or power then? In the mean time be happy and be nice to each other.

When measuring a man's success, don't count money, count happiness.

Economycoaster.

We've already had a double dip recession and we have just about managed to avoid a triple dip recession, which is good news, but still sounds like a part of a roller coaster.

Today it was announced that GDP for the UK had gone up by 0.3% (that may possibly be the most boring sentence I ever write). GDP is basically how much money the country earns. A rise of 0.3% isn't really much, but it is at least a positive, so the government are claiming victory. I don't want to be really negative and doom-monger, but this 0.3% increase over the first part of this year only really cancels out the 0.3% decrease we had at the end of last year.

The really puzzling thing however, is that nobody, including the government, seems to know how this rise has come about. The Tories said they would increase GDP through manufacturing and building, but for the most part the figures for these industries are down. The industries which have been causing an increase in the GDP seem to be service industries, such as hotels and restaurants, which is in some way probably just down to an increase in demand due to an increasing and ageing population.

Overall any positive news seems to be an accident, but it is a happy accident nonetheless. Whatever happens, I don't think I'll ever be saying well done to George Osborne. Unless he resigns. Maybe.

A little help for the UK Government.

If you've been watching BBC news at all then you'll realise that there are some quite serious issues facing the nation. I'm no expert on these things, or anything really, but there do seem to be some common sense solutions to a lot of the problems. Here is a handy guide to get the ball rolling.

Nursing

Now the government decided to cut NHS budgets and services a while ago, which is obviously a bad idea. Now things are getting very serious indeed. Patients are not receiving the level of care that they need. Now this is not the fault of nurses. Nurses do a difficult job for long hours on pay that is far from what they deserve. The problem is that there aren't enough nurses. The government claim that nurses need more training in basic skills like simply dealing with getting patients cleaned and dressed and that this will solve the problem. Nurses aren't stupid, they know how to dress and wash people and look after them. Caring is a much more difficult thing to do than people realise. Nurses are caring for lots of people at the same time so they need more help. Now instead of training already qualified and caring nurses to do things they already know how to do, why not invest in the NHS and provide more nursing staff. Recent surveys show that staff at hospitals think they need more staff. Now if there were more nurses then there would be less people unemployed, so less people on unemployment benefit, people would recover more quickly in hospital and as a result of all of this the economy would be better off, but more importantly people would be healthier and happier.

Food

Over the past year the number of people requiring food banks has doubled. That means that twice as many people are going hungry. In 2013, in a developed country this should not be happening. This problem is more complicated than it seems at first glance. People are needing food banks because they can't afford food. The reason why they can't afford it is because they either can't get a job, or are too busy caring for somebody and they've had their benefits cut. The simple answer to this is to not cut benefits for people who need them and to generate jobs so people can afford food. If these jobs are created by the state then the money will be going back into the economy anyway because people will be spending their wages on essentials.

Cosmetic Surgery

It has become too comericalised, casual and risky to have cosmetic surgery. There are now too many products that could be harmful that people are now willingly injecting into their face. The government alone can not solve this problem, but they really do need to put regulations in place because I think we've all seen what can happen when cosmetic surgery goes wrong. The other aspect if this problem is our society. We need to take a long hard look at ourselves if we have got to the point where to feel accepted in society you have to look a certain way and to get to look that way you have to inject some unknown chemical into your face.

CO2 Emissions

After promising to be the greenest government ever it has been revealed that the UK's CO2 emissions have gone up. This would be surprising if you were naive enough to think the government would keep a promise. The really worrying thing about this however is that climate change seems to be quite far down in the government's list of priorities. Part of the reasons for increased levels of CO2 is our dependency on fossil fuels, which really must change as it is a crisis waiting to happen. Secondly there is no point reducing the deficit and trying (but in reality failing anyway) to create growing economy if we ruin the environment. When you consider how big a part tourism plays in the economy it would be criminal to ruin the environment.

Well there are just a few helpful hints for just a few of the problems. Nobody will ever listen to them but at least I'm trying. AT LEAST I'M TRYING!

Happy St George's Day!

It's St George's Day so I won't depress you with moaning, although that would be quite English. Now go and have a pint in a pub.

I'll moan and rant tomorrow probably.

Earth Day.

The earth is amazing. Trying to write a blog post about the amazingness of this planet is incredibly hard. Where do you start? The fact that the earth is here at all is amazing. The history of the planet as a rock flying through space for millions of years at thousands of miles an hour alone is incredible. Then there are all the features on the earth now, like mountains and hills, seas and oceans, deserts, lakes, rivers, streams, ponds, cliffs, valleys, plains, plateaus, caves, caverns, potholes, forests, woods, rainforests, savannas, coral reefs, trenches, ridges, grasslands, beaches, coves, waterfalls, volcanoes, geysers and countless other natural features. Then there is how they are all changing as the tectonic plates of the earth move around due to convection currents, causing more mountains and trenches and earthquakes and volcanoes. And all of this has been going on for millions of years across millions of square miles of earth.

Then there is life. From the tiniest bacteria to a T-Rex, from a seed to a Giant Redwood, the miracle of life has exploded across this planet in such wonder that our minds can not possibly comprehend the complexity, beauty, diversity and immensity of it all. There are millions of species crowded onto this splendid rock of ours and that is just the tip of the iceberg. It is thought that 99.9% of all the species that have ever lived are extinct. That means that right now, the amazing spectacle of life that we can witness in all of its glory every single day is just 0.1% of what the earth has seen. How can I possibly sum up the sheer brilliance of life on earth in mere words? You have to go out and explore this planet.

Then there is us. There are billions of us, all doing things, all the time. We are shaping the earth and have been for thousands of years. We have created our own wonders of the world. But again, there are simply too many to list. There is the Great Wall of China, the Pyramids, Machu Picchu, Stonehenge, the Colosseum, the Leaning Tower of Pisa and the Taj Mahal to name just a few. And that really is just a few. They are classic wonders. You could include the Channel Tunnel, the Burj Khalifa (the tallest man-made structure in the world) or the Panama Canal. The more you think about it the more you realise that the wonders are almost never ending. Just stop and think of all the everyday wonders that there are. The fact that you are reading this is amazing. Again, you need to go out and see and experience the man-made wonders of the world, because no matter how hard I try I can't even get across to you even one tiny iota of how amazing this planet is.

People say that the planet is shrinking because of air travel and almost instant satellite communication, but it isn't getting any smaller, not physically or metaphorically. It is just that we have got too used to so many everyday miracles that we simply take them for granted. We don't go and see these amazing natural or man-made wonders like we should. The earth is still there to be explored. Just because a lot of this planet isn't new to humanity doesn't mean it isn't new to you, or to anybody else lucky enough to have been born on a planet so full of amazement and wonder that you can spend a lifetime filling your mind, heart and soul with something that you adore. What we have to do now, every single one of us, is realise and constantly remind ourselves and each other just how utterly fantastic this planet is, because we don't have another one. Go out and look at and experience these wonders, these mind-grabbingly, jaw-droppingly, heart-warming, majestic things that the earth has to offer you. How can you not want to love and take care of this splendid, magnificent planet. Our planet. Earth.

Doctor Who made no sense.

Now I know that Doctor Who is fictional, but this Saturday's episode made no sense at all. Obviously I want the writers to be creative and make things up, but they should at least justify their creations in some way. Actually, to be fair, most of the things were sort of explained, but then moments later were contradicted. The Tardis said it wouldn't be able to survive a trip of 10 seconds into a collapsing universe, yet in the episode it makes two journeys of about 20 seconds. I know this is an incredibly nerdy post but I feel like I need a PHD to understand the show now. Being so complicated isn't always a bad thing (sometimes it makes you want to watch it again) but when it is so complicated and makes no sense then I wonder why I watch it.

Fortunately the show still has some good characters, monsters and story lines, otherwise it probably wouldn't be worth the effort of watching it and trying to understand it. The thing that worries me is that if the episodes lack curiosity, novelty, or pace then they really aren't going to be very good. Next week's episode does look quite entertaining, as we get to explore the Tardis. Here's hoping.

It isn't the lack of news...

I'm struggling to find something to write about today. There are no particularly interesting holidays or observances and whilst there is news, there isn't something I can really write much about. It is difficult to offer an opinion on a bombing or an explosion other than that they are bad, and I definitely can't make jokes about them. I could give facts about the events, but lets face it, you'd be better off just looking on any news website. That said, I would just present the facts, whereas some news outlets can be extremely biased.

Generally speaking the BBC is still middle to upper class in terms of its news coverage. The prime example of this is the unnecessary coverage of the Royal Family. If Kate Middleton gave birth it'd probably be the main headline even if North Korea had just declared nuclear war on us. Sky news, part of Rupert Murdoch's media empire is, unsurprisingly, right wing. The is most clearly demonstrated by human slug Adam Boulton. He wouldn't be so bad if he was in any way a good journalist, but even other people who you would probably view as right wing don't like or respect him.

Fox news however makes the biased British media look positively sensible. I live in England so I probably only see the more extreme clips of Fox news, but seriously, its insane. It seems to be mostly populated by shouty people who all look remarkably similar, live in their own bubble and are completely unable to empathise with anyone who isn't a scary republican. I don't live in America and it is a far too big a place to generalise, but I really hope that Fox news represents a minority of people. I fear that it doesn't however, because it isn't exactly a small enterprise with a handful of viewers. Please tell me Americans only watch ironically? For a laugh? To get the sports scores? Please tell me that is why people watch it. Please.

International Day for Monuments and Sites

Now I know this sounds boring, but you have to admit that there are lots of amazing monuments and sites that you'd love to visit. There are 962 UNESCO World Heritage Sites alone. That is clearly too many to write about in this blog, so go and have a look for yourselves. It is probable that there is something amazing right on your doorstep. Never stop exploring.

Some music to cheer you up.

There is usually a lot of depressing news going on and to be honest this blog hasn't exactly been a happy ray of sunshine. To try and make up for this here is a quick run down of some cheery songs and music that can hopefully be a bit of a pick-me-up.

The Pogues - Fiesta

It starts a little slowly but when it gets into it there are few songs that can match its energy. Almost impossible to be unhappy while listening to this song. Listen to it good and loud and preferably with or after alcohol for full effect.

The Beach Boys - Barbara Ann

There are plenty of brilliant Beach Boys songs but this is arguably the most well known and I think the most cheerful. Always good to sing along to, either alone of with others. A nice driving song on a sunny day too.

Louis Armstrong - What a Wonderful World

It's an obvious choice, but what can I say, it is a wonderful song. Not as upbeat as the others, but the lyrics are fantastic, the singing is majestic and the music is beautiful. Has to be one of the best songs of all time.

Beethoven - Ode to Joy

If you're in a classical mood then this has to be your choice really, although there are plenty of upbeat pieces of classical music out there so go and have a listen, you might be surprised. The choral versions of Ode to Joy are generally the best and most cheery however.

Monty Python - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Okay, okay, it's another obvious one, but it never fails to make me feel better. One of the few songs you can sing and whistle along to. If you've not seen The Life of Brian (the film in which the song is from) then I'd highly recommend it.

Monty Python - The Galaxy Song

Yes, I have done two Monty Python songs in a row, but at least this one isn't such an obvious choice. It is more of a factual song than anything else, but if you're feeling a bit down then this really should help give you a sense of perspective and sometimes, that helps.

Quincy Jones & His Orchestra - Soul Bossa Nova

No words in this one, but it is definitely a cheery tune, by the legendary producer Quincy Jones. If you've seen any of the Austin Powers films then you should recognise it instantly. Another of my all time favourite pieces of music.

The Bellamy Brothers - Let Your Love Flow

More of a county tone to this one, but it is a nice relaxed cheerful song. If you recognise it but aren't sure where from, it was on a Barclay Card advert a few years ago and a different version featured on a Prius in 2010.

Cornershop - Brimful of Asha

One of my all time favourite songs, always cheers me up and one that should be on your summer soundtrack. I have no idea what a lot of it means, I'm sure I could find out if I Googled it, but I don't want to risk ruining the song. I am pretty sure however that the original video had to be changed because it featured the name 'Cornershop' so many times that it was thought to be subliminal advertising.

Well that's it for now. There are other songs but these are my favourites so go away and be happy.

World Voice Day.

As most of you (including me until I looked on Wikipedia) were unaware, today is World Voice Day. So, rather than read this inside your head you should probably read it out loud. Maybe read it to somebody; reading aloud on your own is a little bit odd. If you don't fancy doing that then sing, or sing along, or just have a conversation with someone. Stop looking at screens and converse. That's all you're getting from me today, I'm far too busy shouting and yelling and chatting and talking and warbling and singing and screaming and articulating and conversing and discussing and orating and pronouncing and ranting and repeating and verbalising and repeating and spouting and expressing and echoing-ing-ing-ing and chattering and enunciating and generally making irritating sounds with my voice.

(a big thank you to thesaurus.com and sorry this isn't a very long post, but it was either that or write about something depressing)

Yeehaw! It's another news roundup.

Yeah, I'm running low of ideas on one particular topic, so here is another roundup of the main news.

Justin Bieber

Well, I told you all he was a tw*t and now to prove me right he's gone and Tweeted about Anne Frank. Everyone knows that Anne Frank is a no-go area unless you're being serious about history, so to Tweet that you'd hope she was a 'Belieber' (fan) is a definite face-palm moment.

Minimum Wage Increase

In the UK the minimum wage has risen by 12 pence for adults and 5 pence for 18 to 20 year olds. This seems like good news on the face of it, but it is only really rising with inflation so it isn't exactly a pay rise. This is all presuming you can find a job of course.

Benefit Cuts

Speaking of jobs, if you're unemployed then you'll be having your benefits capped at £500 per week, or £350 per week if you're single. Talk about kicking people while they're down. If you have children and are unemployed because you have to take care of them, because nurseries have been closed or are too expensive, then you will really, really, really, really, really struggle. If you live alone because you have lost your wife and child in a car crash after having just been made redundant then you'll also end up paying the bedroom tax as well as having your benefits cuts. What a great big kick in the balls that is for the unemployed. The government say it is encouraging people back to work, but it isn't as simple as that. For example if your care for someone then you might not have time to work, or as is the case in many places, there are no jobs, or jobs providing a wage you can survive on. Another thing the government don't realise is that the benefits they were handing to people are going back into the economy. People on benefits aren't wasting their money frivolously by investing in waterproof coats for ducks, they are spending it in shops on necessary items, helping to keep shop workers in a job.

Thatcher

She just won't die. Well okay, she is technically dead, but she is still very much alive in the media. I'm sick of hearing about her in the news, especially regarding her funeral. It is costing the taxpayer around £10 million and they have been rehearsing it today. What a massive waste. I wonder how many people will notice what is criminally wrong here? Benefit cuts for the poor at the same time as a state funded funeral for a dead rich bitch. As an interesting note, seeing as how I haven't mentioned it yet, the UK imported 44.8 million tonnes of coal after Thatcher destroyed the UK mining industry. Oh, did I mention that that figure wasn't immediately after Thatcher forced the mines to close, that was just for last year, 2012. She is still screwing us over, so when people mention her legacy, remember that figure and how many people are still unemployed in old coal mining areas. Remember how she helped to deregulate the banks and the financial mess we're in now. Remember how the transport infrastructure is struggling because she privatised it all. Remember how she took away milk from school children. Remember, she was an evil bitch.

Well that is my roundup for today, I could've done more, but it'd only be depressing. Hopefully I can write about something cheerful tomorrow, unless North Korea has started WW3, in which case I'll be writing a helpful guide on how to survive a nuclear holocaust. Part 1: Mutants.

Thinking of a Korea change?

Kim Jong-un is crazy. Not just 'I was so drunk I tried to eat my cat' crazy, but fully blown doesn't-know-he-is-crazy-when-he-is-crazy kind of crazy. North Korea has always been comically evil, but it really is their own fault. First of all the leaders all claim to have done ridiculous things and in some cases have actually done ridiculous things. The previous leader, Kim Jong-il, apparently shot a 38 under par round of golf at his first attempt and then immediately retired from the sport. He also forced waitresses to have cosmetic surgery to appear more western. The way that military power is shown off is often quite hilarious. To me, the goose stepping for example is, whilst well organsied, incredibly funny. All of this said, they do now, probably, have nuclear missiles, so maybe we should take them a bit more seriously.

According to some reports the North Korean missiles could reach Alaska, Russia and Australia. Now if this is true then that is a power that really should be reckoned with. The thing is, North Korea is still just too comical. In Britain the weather is reported as more of a disaster than a dictatorship with an insane leader developing nuclear weapons, and that is a fact. Even when you see reports on the news of North Korea all you can see is a lot of brainwashed people obsessing about their leader, or North Korea's military leaders, including Kim Jong-un. Again this should be unsettling, but it just sort of isn't. The generals (or whoever they are) wear hats which look oversized, especially when a lot of them aren't actually that tall. They also have a stupendous amount of medals, which is odd, because they haven't fought in that many wars. Overall they look like a parody of a military chief. Kim Jong-un himself still looks quite comical. He looks like a chubby,  spoilt, only child who isn't getting his own way with a haircut that is terribly disappointing considering he is the ultimate leader. He also dresses far to similarly to Dr Evil from the Austin Powers films.

North Korea has stated that it is in 'a state of war' with South Korea, which to me seems really quite foolish. Firstly, the Korean war isn't technically over, it is only a a very long period of cease fire. Secondly, threatening your bordering country with nuclear weapons is a bit like me threatening the bloke sitting next to me on the bus with an incendiary bomb because his music is too loud. The other thing that North Korea has done is to call South Korea's attempts to negotiate to resolve the nuclear crisis as 'a craft trick'. Now, calling on many nations, including the USA, to help negotiate isn't exactly crafty. It is pretty obvious and not really therefore a trick.

North Korea, if you want to properly scare us you need to change your image. Or at least have a dictator with a toothbrush moustache.

Music.

I've tried to avoid doing a post about music because it can often divide opinion and I'll end up missing out on a genre and people will be unhappy. That said, there has been so painfully little good new music lately I felt I should post about some of my favourite songs. The kind of songs you can listen to over and over. They're not in any particular order and you've probably heard them, but just in case you've not, or you've forgotten about them, here they are.

Oasis - Champagne Supernova

There are a few Oasis songs I could've chosen, but at over 7 minutes long Champagne Supernova definitely offers value for money. It it one of those songs you'll find yourself singing along to, over and over. There is something about Oasis that makes you know all the words to their songs without really listening to them that much.

Paul Simon - You Can Call Me Al

It's a brilliantly catchy song and Paul Simon is a fantastic singer. If this is the only song you've heard by him they you really should search him on YouTube and listen to some of his other work.

Rusted Root - Send Me On My Way

If you've seen Ice Age then you'll recognise this song. Other catchy one that is just downright pleasant. Slightly unusual but always cheers me up.

The Dubliners - Donegal Danny

A quite simply brilliant Irish folk song by the utterly fantastic Irish band The Dubliners. There are about 20 of their songs that could make it onto this list, but this is one of my favourites. The song is about fishermen lost at sea, told from the point of view of one of the survivors as he tells his tale in his pub. The music and the way the song is sung makes you feel as though you are really there. Sublime

Bobby Darin - Beyond the Sea

Often wrongly attributed to Frank Sinatra, this classic song is brilliantly performed. It has been used in many films and other things, but quite rightly so. A truly great song.

Well there is just a few of my top songs. I actually quite enjoyed writing this because it meant listening to them. I'll probably do another. Some time. Anyway, happy listening and don't forget to comment.

Margaret Thatcher: still being a bitch...from beyond the grave...

Even now the old witch has passed away she is still screwing us over and causing unnecessary media attention. For starters, her funeral will be paid for by the tax payer. And it won't be cheap. There are lots of posh, rich people invited and it is a fancy occasion. If it were up to me I'd just toss her down an abandoned mine shaft, just for the irony of it all. Secondly, debating how good or bad she was for the country during her time as leader after her death has taken up quite a lot of time on T.V and radio. The problem with this is two fold. Firstly, it is incredibly boring and irritating and secondly it is over 20 years too late. She's already completely ruined certain aspects of the country.

The new issue that has arisen today is whether or not the BBC should play Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead from the Wizard of Oz in the chart show. This debate is just ridiculous. People on the news are suggesting that it is just 'anti-Thatcher' campaigners who have got the song into the charts. Again, there are several things wrong with this. Firstly, to be 'anti-Thatcher' should not be used in the way the news are using it; as though it is a rotten minority and a derogatory term. This simply isn't the case. To be 'anti-Thatcher' is pretty much the same as being 'anti-Hitler' or 'anti-punching-babies-in-the-face' or 'anti-child-labour'; it should be a normal thing that everyone with a conscience is. Now I'm not entirely sure how the music charts work, but I'm certain that a minority of people could not get a song to the top end of the charts. There really is no debate to be had here, most people are happy she is dead and, like in most situations, they are expressing it through song. It sums up the mood of the population and it really is quite British to celebrate this way.

So BBC, play the song, the people have spoken.

Adverts 2.

Just in case you have a fear of reading titles, this is the second installment of my summary of some good and not-so-good-at-all adverts.

Injury Lawyers 4U

All of their adverts are horrible and all make lawyers look stereotypically evil. The latest advert however is proof that their lawyers are indeed extremely evil. A truck carrying loose tennis balls spills its load all over the road. A cyclist rides straight into the rolling balls and comically falls over. The lawyer watching from a window does not laugh. Not even a smile or a grin or a smirk. Evil. Or, maybe, the lawyer is concerned. No. She doesn't help the cyclist either. She just stands there, like a robot in a suit watching hilarious carnage unfold with all the reaction of a shop window dummy. -666/10

Irn-Bru

Their new 'Irn-Bru Gets You Through' advert campaign is genuinely funny, especially if you're British. The 'fanny' advert is my favourite, but they're all pretty good. Good marks for quality, entertainment and orginality. 9.5/10

E-Lites

Another advert using popular music and a baby, but this one is pretty funny, especially the first time. 7/10

McDonald's

This advert is almost as sickening as the 'food' that they 'serve'. It portrays people from the north of England as people with a distinct lack of a vocabulary, unable to say more than 4 words in a sentence who most of the time interact with each other by simply saying 'nah you're alright'. The whole advert is shot with a dreary tint to it until the two people are eating in the McDonald's restaurant, as though people in the north have nothing else to look forward to in their dull, bleak lives apart from cheap, disgusting fast food. Stop patronising us McDonald's, all of us. 0/10

Virgin Media

Their adverts about how great they are, when they're not great at all, have always annoyed me, but now they're actually making me cringe. First of all they've managed to get David Tennant to do the adverts, which is such a waste of a talented actor. Secondly they try and make Richard Branson feel like a regular bloke. He's sitting there watching the match and he gets called 'Rich' instead of Richard and David Tennant asks him to help out and tells him to be quiet when he's a bit annoying. Its so creepy. Branson is not a normal bloke, he is insanely rich for selling painfully mediocre products and services at stupid prices, just because they're marketed well. Please, please stop falling for it. 1/10

So there you have it. They'll be more. Some day.

Margaret Thatcher and why I want Wigan Football Club to get relegated.

I'm not exactly the biggest football (or soccer if you're American) fan in the world, but I do casually follow the game. I don't support anyone in particular, but I do have soft spots for some teams. Wigan however I do not like. They offer nothing to the competition until there is about 10 games left, then they somehow just manage to avoid relegation. Their crowds are low and Wigan is a rugby league town, not a football town. Now the Wigan chairman, Dave Whelan, wants a minutes silence to be held in sport in memory of Margaret Thatcher. Thankfully the FA have ignored Whelan, but for him to even suggest that Wigan fans should remain silent for Thatcher after what she did to the country, especially when you consider that Wigan was a mining town, is ridiculous.

Even now Thatcher is dead she is still costing the good tax-paying British citizens because her funeral will be state funded. This is quite ironic considering all the privatisation that Thatcher decided to carry out. Her death has also been one of the few things that has brought people together in the recession hit United Kingdom. This is the closest that David Cameron's Big Society idea has got to becoming a reality.

For those of you reading this from outside of the U.K, please do not base your opinions of us on the media. We are a bit obsessed about the weather, but we're not sent into panic and complete meltdown, which is what you'd think if you only saw the U.K news. We're not all obsessed with royalty. You've got to remember that those who are obsessed with royalty are simple people. People with free time. The common clay of the disposable income group.You know...morons. Now as for Thatcher, you may hear people saying she divided opinion. This is true, but only as far as the country was already divided - the rich, and everybody else. She was not an important PM and she did no good for the country, in fact she did the complete opposite. People have partied in the streets at her death, something very, very few people did during the Queen's jubilee, contrary to what some news outlets would have you believe. If anyone says that we are being tasteless in celebrating her death then you really don't understand. She ruined the country. Nobody liked her when she was alive and if people met her then they would've made their feelings perfectly clear. There is no reason to suddenly change opinions about her just because she has snuffed it. So please, please people outside of the U.K, don't judge us on our news.

We're all having a party.....when Margaret Thatcher dies!

No doubt the death of Margaret Thatcher yesterday provoked many comments and jokes, but I've decided to wait that little longer and post today, having had chance to reflect on her about-timely death.

As most of you have heard, she died of a stroke. A stroke of good luck. My initial reaction to the news was

My second reaction however was different. It was this

Now all of these tributes to the murdering bitch who screwed generations of people over that are appearing on TV really should be stopped. The general reaction of the British people, the true heart of the British people, could be summed up with one video:

Anyone with a soul really should not be in the slightest bit upset that she has died. For no good reason she is being buried with full military honours. Apparently sinking a ship full of young Argentinian conscripts as it is sailing away from the battle zone merits these honours. It does mean that she will receive a 21 gun salute and will probably be the first funeral in history in which the salute is fired at the coffin, to make sure she really is dead.

Well there is my tribute, which I think is a lot better than the British television's arse-licking competition that they seem to be holding, despite nobody in the country with any dignity being even slightly saddened that she has passed away.

Oh and sorry Satan, but please, don't send her back up.

Why look, it is Draw a Bird Day!

Birds are amazing creatures, but they are difficult to draw. Today is your best chance to draw a bird without being mocked about how bad your drawing is. Well, go on. Draw birds. You. Now. Post here afterwards. Go.

Twitter.

Twitter has caused more trouble today with the Youth PCC resigning and apologising for some tweets she posted. These tweets were just the usual kind of exaggerations teenagers make but because it was on Twitter she loses her job. Twitter should not be taken seriously. For starters there and thousands of jokes circulating on Twitter, thousands of fake profiles and millions of idiots. People say things on Twitter that they would otherwise say down the pub, but because it is written (or typed rather) it is taken seriously.

The other issue with taking things on Twitter seriously or literally is that in text it is difficult to tell when somebody is joking or being sarcastic. For example if I put that I think George Osborne is someone who's face I would never tire of punching there is a possibility that some people would think I am going to repeatedly punch George Osborne in the face. Of course I wouldn't really do this. I might hurt my knuckle. But the point is that if people start taking things said on Twitter seriously (just because it is in 'published' text), when they aren't meant to be taken seriously then it is only a small step from monitoring all conversations. If we aren't careful then our pointless obsession with wanting to constantly broadcast our opinions and mundane lives to as many people as possible could lead to self created Big Brother society. 

Why can't we just meet in pubs or parks or libraries (if there are any left) to hold conversations face to face? It really is so much better.

And yes, I am yet again aware of the hypocritical irony of what I am doing, but my viewing figures are so pitifully low it really doesn't matter. 

The Grand National!

So, the yearly horse-killing, shouting and screaming, stud-creating, money-spinning, dressed-up event is back! This year I've gone for On His Own. This isn't a tip by the way, I just chose it for the name, although with odds of around 10-1 it is in with a chance.

Well, enjoy the race and good luck to everyone involved! Hopefully no horses will be injured this time.

(I'll update this post once the race is over)

UPDATE

My horse didn't win, or even finish, but at least there weren't as many fallers this year and as far as I'm aware no horses died and no jockeys were seriously injured.

Well done to all the winners today and to the people who designed the new fences, good job.

Another post about TV.

I have previously posted about how TV this year (2013) has peaked early. I was hoping to be proved wrong and maybe I will be. Fortunately Doctor Who has returned and this week so does Not Going Out and Have I Got News For You. The Indian Premier League (IPL) has also returned, which is always fun. In fact I think the IPL merits a post of its own, but I'll wait until it has got going a bit more.

I'm glad Not Going Out is back as it is one of those shows that you can watch repeatedly and still find funny. Have I Got News For You is always good, although I'm finding Ian Hislop increasingly irritating. Doctor Who is one of those few remaining shows that the whole family actually gather around the television to watch together. The opening episode wasn't great, but it certainly wasn't bad and it sets up some intriguing mysteries for the rest of the series to explain.

The Grand National will be on so there is the usual excitement if you've got any sort of bet on a horse. I might end up posting about it, it depends how entertaining it is. I'll try and avoid any more horse meat puns.

Anyway, here's hoping TV will improve, or at least repeat good stuff, instead of churning out more plonk.

The nuclear threat.

So, a quick recap. Most 1st world countries have nuclear weapons. Many admit to this whilst others probably just pretend not to have any. Now North Korea are getting in on the act. It would therefore seem that most of the major powers and some of the not-so-major powers are fully armed with nuclear weapons. During the Cold War the USSR and the USA had enough nuclear weaponry to destroy the earth more than 40 times over. Granted, tensions between Russia and the USA have fallen, there still must be, worldwide, enough nuclear bombs to destroy the planet several times over.

The issue with this is that most people think that this is okay. People argue that everyone having nuclear weapons creates a nuclear deterrent and whilst I don't want to scare people, but what if something went wrong? The First World War, though obviously not nuclear, came to many people as a bit of a surprise. Simplified; two opposing sides amassed armies so large that neither would attack the other. Now this quite clearly didn't happen. I'm not for one minute suggesting that the assassination of an Archduke is going to start a nuclear World War III, but it only takes one mad man with his finger on the button to potentially kill us all.

All of this said, I really am not trying to scare people. If there is to be a nuclear war then there is very little us average people/low quality blog writers can do, except let our eyeballs melt. The point I am trying to make is that our lives could be cut short at any time, so don't waste your life shopping or on Facebook or Twitter, go out and live. Even if that means ignoring this blog for ever more, just go out and have some fun, enjoy life with the people you love.

Happy Birthday mobile phone!

The mobile phone (or cell phone) is 40 years old today. Or at least the first mobile telephone call was made 40 years ago today. Since then mobile phones have been used for a quite frankly ridiculous amount of things. The speed at which mobile phone technology has advanced is astonishing. I remember when practically nobody had mobile telephones, apart from rich businessmen and astronauts from the future.

Since then mobile phones have gone from strength to strength. I remember when the first colour screen mobile phone was released. I remember when you could play snake. I remember when ringtones stopped sounding like Morse code and you could actually listen to the music properly. I remember when a camera phone was a big deal and it pretty much was as big as a camera strapped to a phone.

It has really been since phones got touchscreens and became smartphones that mobile phones have become as useful a tool as a Swiss army knife, but without the killing power. To be able to contact almost anybody almost anywhere in the world at almost any time through voice or text is pretty amazing to start off with, but we've just wanted our phones to do more and more. There are millions of apps doing a bajillion and one things, from entertainment to tools. There are hundreds of things you can do on a mobile phone today that 10 years ago you probably couldn't do on a computer.

All this begs the question, what is next for the mobile phone. Has it reached its peak? There are bound to be more stupid and pointless apps churned out like Channel 4 churns out point-and-laugh documentaries, but are there going to be any real advances in mobile phone technology? I think 3D is probably the next step. 3D  films and televisions are becoming commonplace so surely the mobile phone screen is next. After this maybe holograms? Then hologram calls? Then maybe 3D printing from your phone, so you can send objects through a text message? Maybe phones will be able to make heat and fire? So that stupid lighter app on your iPhone might actually light a cigarette.

Nobody knows for certain, but it should be fun finding out.

Some words.

Very tired. Need something simple. Here's a few short ramblings.

It is International Children's Book day so why not read a book you enjoyed as a child, or introduce a child to the same book. I always liked Ketchup on Your Cornflakes.

It is also World Autism Awareness Day. Find out more HERE. Donate to an Autism charity HERE. It is a worthy cause

Yes, more laziness on my part, I am going to talk about the Google Doodle. It is Maria Sibylla Merian's 366th birthday today. Her excellent drawings of the natural world helped shape biology today. She shouldn't be forgotten so well done Google for that Doodle.

Arse-nose George Osborne is claiming that his benefit changes are amazing and that critics are trying to attract headlines with what they are saying. Firstly, politicians like Osborne are told to speak in headline attracting soundbites so he doesn't have much room to talk and secondly the critics are right; his changes are utterly terrible and barely thought through. He also told supermarket workers that working households would be better off. Even if that were true, he seems to have forgotten the millions of households that house people who are unemployed, or retired, or disabled, or ill, or the thousands of empty homes in the country.

Finally North Korea are trying their very best to add another threat to the ever growing list of Reasons Why We're Doomed. It isn't going to win me any fans in North Korea but they are crazy. Not necessarily their fault, the rulers are insane but unfortunately hold all the power.

Sorry for this. It'll be better tomorrow when I'm not so tired. Unless North Korea has destroyed the planet.

Paolo Di Canio Footballer, manager, Italian, fascist.

Sunderland FC have signed a new manager to try and help them avoid relegation from the Premier League. I actually quite like Sunderland as a football team. There's nothing wrong with their fans and they have some likable players. Despite this, I do now hope they get relegated. Their new manager is Paolo Di Canio, a self proclaimed fascist.

I have no idea how this is acceptable and why Sunderland have chose him. Even if you ignore the fact he is a fascist, he only has 95 games of managerial experience. These 95 games were with League Two side Swindon Town, who were not involved in a relegation battle.

Going back to his fascist tendencies, he has also said he hasn't voted for 14 years. He claims it is because the Italian politicians only think about themselves, now this may to a certain extent be true, but he could still spoil his voting paper. I don't think anybody has the right to complain about the government of any country if they chose not to vote.

On the whole Di Canio seems, well, a bit mental. Perhaps more to be pitied than scorned, but either way, Sunderland FC defending signing a fascist? What the hell is going on?