Happy Easter!

I'm too busy gorging on chocolate to really write much but here goes.

Firstly, Happy Easter. Secondly, don't get too worried about the religious aspect of Easter, just think of it as a day for the celebration of chocolate. Don't worry about going to church, just spend time with your family and enjoy your day off.

Happy Easter!

Doctor Who is back!

Doctor Who is back on our screens tonight (BBC One, 6.15pm) with a brand new series. Hopefully it'll be a good'n and longer than the previous series, which seemed to fly by. I'm hoping this series will have some good original aliens as well as the old favourites, but also to travel time and space a bit more.

The way the show is set up means that the main characters can travel anywhere in the universe and to any point in time. Therefore, when an episode is set on earth, with monsters that are either disguised as humans or look like a man in a suit I'm a little disappointed. Even when they travel to another planet, it always looks suspiciously like a quarry in Wales, or at least somewhere on earth. I'm hoping this series will have a bit more of a wild imagination when it comes to where and when the Doctor and his companion travel to.

The new monster robot alien things for this series are the Spoonheads. These sound remarkably underwhelming. Spoonhead seems more like an insult a child would use rather than a terrifying foe for the Doctor to battle, but you never know, maybe we'll all be petrified of using spoons by tomorrow.

Anyway, here's hoping for a good series. At least there is another attractive assistant again.

Plebgate.

For those of you who aren't aware of this, a Tory cabinet minister, Andrew Mitchell wasn't allowed out of his usual gate at Downing Street. This prompted him to supposedly call the police officers on the gate, amongst other things, plebs. The Sun newspaper, which is a terrible excuse for a newspaper, printed the accounts of one of the police officers in which it was said that Mitchell used the word pleb. Mitchell has always denied using this word and is now suing The Sun.

Get a grip.

First of all, get over it, The Sun newspaper has done far worse things.

Secondly, since when did pleb become the ultimate insult that should not be uttered by any human tongue. I'm pretty sure there are worse insults than pleb and I'm certain that police officers get called a lot worse.

Mitchell, grow up and next time you insult someone, don't do it in such a poor manner.

Yeehaw! It's a news roundup.

In case you didn't guess from the title, this is a roundup of the news. I'm doing this because basically I can't find enough to write about on just one of the main news stories today. Anyway, here goes.

Cyprus

If you have read some of my other posts then you will have realised that I am far from an expert on economies. That said, does anybody understand exactly what is going on in Cyprus? The banks don't have money and the people have lost their money that they had saved in the banks. Now this isn't the people's fault, yet they are the ones suffering. I know printing money off can cause rapid inflation, but I'm becoming increasingly convinced that the money is literally lost. Not gambled away, but lost, down the back of a sofa or something. I'm sure if they printed out more money and put it into banks nobody would notice. If that fails, Cyprus is sunny; has anyone thought of investing in solar power over there? (if this is a good idea, which it probably isn't, please don't steal it, unless you work for the Cypriot government, in which case I'd just like a free holiday. Thanks).

The Pope

Clearly the Pope hasn't taken my advice on how to make himself more Pope-ular (yes, that pun again) and is instead washing prisoners' feet. I'm not entirely sure why he does this, but then again very little in any religion makes much sense. It might seem like a nice gesture, but to be honest I'd hate having someone wash my feet, especially an old man who I don't know.

Oscar Pistorius

The murderer has been allowed to travel and possibly compete in athletics events once more. I presume he has changed his speciality from short-distance running to shooting.

Nelson Mandela

Get well soon. 

Beeching's Axe.

50 years ago Dr Beeching commissioned his report on the British railways. Thanks to this report, hundreds of lines were closed, taking away a vital transportation link to many towns and villages. Today people have been arguing that perhaps Beeching was right to axe all of these lines.

This is nonsense. Today there is a huge demand for rail transportation, for both passengers and freight. New lines are having to be built, some in areas Beeching previously cut. The railways in the 1960's were not profitable, but the answer was not to cut hundreds of lines. If the rail network was nationalised then profitable lines would subsidise lines that may be making a loss. If this was done then many businesses and tourist destinations that relied upon the railway may have been saved.

Today's economy undoubtedly requires an extensive rail network, which it would already have if Beeching didn't chose to cut so many lines. One new line, from Edinburgh to Tweedbank is currently being built, at a cost of around £10,000,000 per mile. This shockingly expensive figure only gets worse when you discover that Beeching axed the same Edinburgh to Tweedbank line in his cuts, after 120 years of service. Now even if Beeching did save money at the time, it appears that those savings are soon to be wiped out and that isn't taking into account the irreparable damage of 50 years of not having a local railway.

The argument that the amount of railway lines running in the 1960's could not be sustained is again nonsense. There are hundreds of tourist railways operating on extremely small budgets and are often built up from nothing, or at best the ruins that Beeching's cuts left behind. If volunteers and enthusiasts and even people with no experience can run a steam railway, whilst keeping everything authentic, then surely a government or even a private company can, with the same enthusiasm, provide the best railway service in the world.

People who annoy me.

Like everyone (I think), there are certain people who just really irritate me. Here are my top people to grrrr at.

Brian Cox

There are a few reasons why he annoys me. Firstly he talks so slowly I can't help but clench my fists. His shows on the BBC are already using a whopping chunk of the license fee by transporting him around the globe for a shot which will last about 10 seconds. You'd really think he ought to speak a bit faster and give a bit better value for money. The other thing that annoys me is the way he seems to have become a higher level of authority than many scientists and professors. He is intelligent, I get it, but he isn't exactly Einstein. He isn't any better than most university lecturers, but because he used to be in a mediocre 90's band he is the greatest gift to science since the invention of the microscope. The final thing that annoys me is the way he finds everything he is talking about 'amazing'. Now of course there are many amazing things in the universe, I don't argue that, but he acts like he is the only being on Earth that is intellectually developed enough to comprehend that something might be amazing.

Mark Zuckerberg

In case you didn't know, he is the inventor of Facebook. Firstly Facebook is awful. If you are a Facebook user then stop using it, take a step back and you will see how utterly terrible it is. Secondly, Zuckerberg looks exactly like the kind of person who, ironically, doesn't have many friends. Or at least real life friends, which probably explains a lot.

Any of the Chasers on ITV's The Chase

They are all incredibly annoying and terribly un-British. Mark Labbett is undoubtedly the most annoying. He is so smug because he is so good at quizzes, but if I sat around all day not doing anything, as Labbett evidently does, then I'm pretty sure I'd become good at quizzes. They are obviously told to act in a manner that irritates people, but well, it bloody well works.

The people on the Lloyd's TSB adverts

The lives they lead, the way they act, the fact they never speak and the noses you just want to punch into shape make me grit my teeth whenever these adverts come on.

George Osborne

I can JUST about tolerate the other Tories, all be it for a VERY short length of time, but I simply can not stand George Osborne. Literally every action he takes annoys me. He has a face you'd never tire of hitting. Ever.

Well they are my top people to hate. There are more but maybe I'll save them for when they irritate me further.

A brief rant against Apple.

We all know about Apple, in fact some of you are probably sat reading this on an Apple product, but I really hate Apple. I actually own an iPod, only because it is the only thing I have ever won in a competition and it is really good, but at the same time I hate it. I hate the way iTunes presumes I want to do everything its way, like iTunes knows better than poor old me. I don't want my music synced, I don't want a fancy playlist, I don't care for album artwork, okay, so leave me alone.

I can at least say I have never purchased an Apple product. Now I appreciate that they can be good products, but bloody hell they're not that good. The way Apple launches a product makes it sound like it is going to be more life changing than having a baby. They are so over-priced too. You're basically paying for shine. A key difference between Apple products and other products is that they are shinier. (They're also a rip off of old Braun products).

The main thing that really annoys me about Apple is their advertising. They are so self-congratulatory that is is only a matter of time before they disappear up their own backside. Every advert basically goes on about all the things you can do on an iSomething, like it is more amazing than actually doing any of those things in real life. Oooh look I can look at the stars on my iPhone. Oooh look I can drink a glass of beer on my iPod. Oooh look I can have a conversation with someone on my iPad. Having a conversation with someone through a mobile piece of technology that has existed for almost 30 years, but now in a bigger form is hardly something worth shouting about. Secondly, doing all of these 'amazing' things on your various sized iSlabs is nothing compared to actually doing them. Don't gawk at your iPad going on about how amazing the galaxy is, go to the country and spend a night under the stars. Start doing things for real instead of doing them virtually.

iTunes has helped to ruin cinema and music and books (don't even get me started on the evil that is the Kindle), don't let it ruin other aspects of real life. Please.

Feedback. (please)

Well I've done over 30 posts with no comments, so can I please have some feedback? Should I change the layout? Should I have more pictures or videos? Am I terrible at this? Should I stop? Should I carry on? What should I write about? 

Any comments will be much appreciated. 

Earth Hour.

At 8.30-9.30 pm local time (whatever your local time is) switch off your lights and all other electrical appliances. Unless you work in a hospital, in which case it is probably best to leave most things on. All this switching off is in aid of Earth Hour. This is to raise awareness of the ridiculous damage we are doing to our own and only planet by guzzling electricity like I presume Eric Pickles guzzles down pies. Well actually it isn't just to raise awareness of our electricity consumption. Don't forget about massive deforestation, land pollution, air pollution and water pollution.

You might just think that this isn't that important and we'll be fine but really, we need to do something. Just stand on a motorway bridge, or highway bridge if you're American, or Autobahn bridge if you're German (see, I am catering for my viewers overseas) and just look at the endless procession of traffic. It is never ending and it is going on all over the world, all of the time. Imagine you're on the motorway/highway/autobahn at night. You'll drive past thousands of streetlights, houselights and headlights. In all of these houses are other electrical appliances using up electricity, almost all of the time. You've probably seen it, someone using a bicycle to power one light bulb. Its isn't easy to keep it lit. Now imagine keeping your whole house powered for a day. Now imagine that multiplied by a lifetime. Now imagine that multiplied by billions of lifetimes. Now tell me that we're all going to be fine.

All of this is assuming that we aren't already past the tipping point and we're not doomed anyway. Oh and I am also aware of the irony that I'm using an electronic device to write this, but it is okay, I'm off to plant a tree.

http://www.earthhour.org/

Tugs.

Does anybody else remember the children's television series Tugs? It ran for 13 episodes from 1988-1989 on ITV and was released on good old fashioned VHS. I loved Tugs! It was so much better than children's shows now. The stories were brilliantly written. The voice actors were superb and perfectly suited their characters. The models and sets were fantastically made and had amazing detail. The show even had some special effects like explosions and smoke effects which gave the show a real atmosphere. It was even filmed in the same way that big movies at the time were filmed in. If there is one show that really deserves to be brought back, it is Tugs.

Fortunately, Tugs is being brought back! Unfortunately it isn't with models, because this is non-profit and fan made, so obviously there isn't a budget. Tugs CGI will be made, well, using CGI. I'm looking forward to it, being the big kid that I am. Google Tugs CGI to find out more and good luck to these guys taking it on!

In the mean time, go on YouTube and search Tugs to catch up on the episodes. You will enjoy.

World Down Syndrome/Poetry/Puppetry Day (and one other day)

The ever-reliable fact resource Wikipedia informs me that today (21st March) is quite a busy day. Here is my summary.

World Down Syndrome Day

Naturally this day is about raising awareness about the issues facing those with Down Syndrome. These include some pretty important things, such as rights, inclusion and well being. Visit the World Down Syndrome Day website to find out more or visit the Down's Syndrome Association website if you you want to donate (U.K only, but it isn't much effort to Google a charity you can donate to).

World Poetry Day

For those of you who enjoy poetry then fantastic! Have a good day (you can probably ignore this next bit). If you're not so into poetry then try and get hold of The Works (or almost anything else with a similar front cover). You'll probably find something you like in there, be it Kipling's If (words to live by) or something silly by Spike Milligan. If you can't find anything you like then you must hate poetry, really hate it, you know, like a burning hatred that flames behind the eyes whenever you hear someone reciting verse.

International Day for the Elimination for Racial Discrimination

Okay so it isn't a brilliantly catchy name, but it sort of rhymes. Either way it is a good cause, I think name explains everything really.

World Puppetry Day

Well, I'm not an expert on puppets (or anything) so I won't go into too much detail, but really, who doesn't like The Muppets?

Well there you go, a busy day if you are inspired by all those things. Have a good'n.

Budget Day: The most magical day of the year!

Arse-nosed chancellor George Orsborne has announced his new budget for the coming year. Unsurprisingly its more bleak than the Antarctic weather forecast. Osborne said his budget is for "those who want to work and get on", which is fine, provided you can find work since he's closed the Job Centres. If you are in a job and want to just get on then maybe you'll be okay? Unless you work in the public sector. If that is the case then you might lose your job and with inflation you'll be effectively taking a pay cut. The private sector isn't doing well either. Obviously it wouldn't take up the slack after the moronic cutting of public sector workers, but it isn't even responding to the incentives the government are trying to offer - hence the lack of growth.

One supposed positive that the Tories are trying to push on us is that some parents will be able to "claim back up to £1,200 a year for each child - or 20% of childcare costs - from 2015". On the face of it this doesn't seem too bad, but when you think about it, it just isn't. First of all the scheme doesn't start until 2015, by which time the economy may be in a better state (probably not, but maybe we'll find oil reserves in Slough or something) and that £1,200 may not be needed as much as it is right now, when some families are having to go to food banks. Secondly that same £1,200 won't be worth quite as much in 2015 after inflation. Thirdly the scheme only applies to some families, which means there will be some people missing out. Finally it is only partly replacing the universal child benefit system that Osborne and Co. decided to abolish. It is hardly a major step forward, more like getting rid of your 6 year old Fiat Punto then shortly replacing it with an 9 and a half year old Fiat Punto. 

Another 'positive' is that there are plans to build "affordable" housing. Actually, these are plans to encourage more "affordable" homes to be built. Of course there wouldn't be a shortage of affordable homes if the previous Tory government didn't sell off almost all of the council houses. The other problem with this is that most people can't afford a house at all and the Tory idea of an affordable house is probably a 5 bedroom detached property somewhere in Surrey. 

The final most worrying thing is that Osborne has said that growth for 2013 will be 0.6%, half of the 1.2% he predicted in his Autumn statement. I'm not quite sure what catastrophe has happened to make him half his prediction. Maybe he was just presuming the Mayan calendar was accurate and he wouldn't have to worry about all of this.

Ah well, we may all be getting poorer while the rich get richer as the moral and physical fabric of our society slowly decays around us, but at least there wasn't that increase in the price of beer. 

My 2013 budget - save enough money to drink away your troubles. 

Adverts.

Adverts can sometimes be brilliant. However they can also be supremely awful. Here are some of my best and worst so far this year.

Kronenbourg

Well for starters its got Eric Cantona in, who actually shows some comedic acting ability. Secondly the music is good and finally it doesn't take itself too seriously. Oh and I like beer. 10/10

SEAT Leon SC

The advert just depresses me. The child starts off playing with a spaceship, using his imagination to create a wonderful world that only he knows. Once his father (I presume) shows up with a new car everything changes. Suddenly the new car is the best toy. Quite depressing really. That child has almost a lifetime of driving a car, but only a precious few years when he can play and imagine, without worrying about miles per gallon, or insurance, or crashing to his death in a burning ball of flames and screaming terror after drinking all night because his wife left him for a richer man, who, ironically, can afford a new car. 2/10

Diet Coke

Apparently Coca Cola still have the attitudes towards women that they had when the company was first established. Some cackling women sit atop of a hill and roll a can of Diet Coke towards a gardener mowing the grass in a criminally inefficient manner. The can of poison, sorry, Coke, rolls into the side of the lawn mower, only narrowly avoiding being ran over and causing shards of metal to fly into his face and permanently disfigure him. The stupid woman who rolled the can then signals to the gardener to drink it. The gardener is of course too stupid to realise that a can of fizzy drink will explode in his face if he opens it. Naturally he gets wet and takes his shirt off, causing the women to turn into dribbling morons. Frankly this advert is offensive to women, gardeners and the watching public who are somehow expected to believe that Diet Coke is brilliantly healthy, much better than regular Coke. It may be better but only in the same way that breaking your leg is better than breaking both your legs. -8/10

Colgate

Okay, ignore everything about this advert, apart from what the toothbrush does to the underside of the egg (18-21 second in). Don't know why, but I just find it funny. 7/10

Well, its only March so no doubt they'll be plenty more good and not so good at all adverts to comment on. That's all I can think of for now though.

Pope Francis: How to become more Pope-ular.

Well, my post about who the next Pope might be turned out to be entirely wrong (no surprises there), but that isn't stopping me giving the new guy in charge some advice on how to make himself more popular (and yes I have used the same Pope pun in a title twice now).

Do a Harlem Shake

Every other group of about 6 people of more is doing one. A Papal Harlem Shake would be an instant YouTube hit. The Pope starting it all off and then suddenly he's surrounded by hundreds of raving cardinals and bishops all waving their hats and sticks in the Vatican. What could possibly go wrong?

Release a Piano Cover Version of a Popular Song

Every wannabe female singer seems to be doing it. Can't help to show your feminine side to women Catholics. Stay clear of Bat Out of Hell though.

Give Everyone a Day Off

You're the boss now Mr Pope, so get everyone on your side and give them holiday. Let all those bishops let their hair down and do whatever the hell they can still do to enjoy themselves.

Tweet

Stephen Fry has basically made himself Pope of Twitter. Tweet your conversations with God. #SmiteTheSinners

Don't Turn Up Late to a Gig/Mass/Balcony Waving Thing

There isn't much to be learned from Justin Bieber, but seriously, don't be late for your fans.

Right, there you go Pope Francis. You can't go wrong with that advice. You'll be the most Pope-ular Pope with all your Poping that there has ever been.

Happy St Patrick's Day!

Wear green, drink Guinness, drink Irish whisky, listen to some Irish music and be merry! That's all you're getting from me on St Patrick's Day!

2013 TV has peaked too early.

Flicking through the TV guide has left me very disappointed. 2013's television started off really well with shows like Africa, Ripper Street, Wild Arabia, Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe, Dancing on the Edge, Mrs Brown's Boys as well as a host of other short documentary series. Now however there is well...not much. I mean there are the usual things that are always on, but other than that there isn't anything worth opening your eyes for. In fact, there are some shows which really shouldn't be broadcast. Here are some of the worst.

Gogglebox

It is a show about people watching television. So you'll be sat there watching, on television, people watching television.

Paddy's TV Guide

Watching this will lower your IQ. Imagine if your brain had testicles. Now imagine being kicked hard in the brain testicles for half an hour. That is the best way to describe watching this show.

Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway

Its just like cramming your head with some sort of mind pudding. You know its bad for you, it doesn't taste all that great but it isn't that bad for just sitting there and gorging on.

Almost anything on BBC 3

They just keep churning out painfully mediocre or samey shows. Family Guy aside, there is just nothing which anyone will remember in about 2 weeks time.

Hollyoaks

I have no idea how this is still running. Well actually I do, sort of. Put is this way, blind people wouldn't tune in, but a deaf person would. Lets face it, the dialogue isn't exactly brilliant.

Call the Midwife

Massively overrated borefest.

Our Queen

A sodding two hour long documentary on ITV about the sodding Queen during 2012. Yeah forget the Olympics and the Paralympics, the possible discovery of the Higgs boson, the Arab Spring, Curiosity landing on Mars, Felix Baumgartner's sky dive and Obama's re-election, let's just look at this rich woman waving for two hours. Fantastic.

Oh well, at least Doctor Who is back on soon.

Back to school time politicians.

More shock news from the government! There aren't enough places for children in schools! Around 250,000  extra places will be needed by next year. Obviously this is worrying as a quarter of a million children might not get a place in a school, which is massively unfair and outrageous considering what year it is.

The other worrying thing is that this need for new places is "urgent". How could the government not see this coming? This government and the last, have just been demolishing big, grand, old schools and replacing them with modern, but small and cheaper schools. The justification for this was because class sizes are shrinking. Now this was true, but to have such short sightedness to not predict that numbers will rise again is unbelievable.

Many people may have realised that people are having children at a later stage in their life. Anybody who has also done social studies of population studies will have reasons for this. Many people want to continue spending their disposable income on other life experiences, or want to further their career, before settling down and having children. As this is a recent trend it means that a generation will essentially be 5-10 years behind the previous generation in terms of when they have children. All that means is that there will be a 5-10 year lull in childbirth. Unfortunately the government failed to noticed what anybody else can notice and just decided to demolish big schools and replace them with ones that are too small. Now, unsurprisingly there is a shortage of school places.

Surely it is better to have a school too big than a school too small?

Happy Pi Day!

Sadly Google haven't done a doodle for Pi Day, although they really should. Aside from being a very useful number if you work with circles, pies are also amazingly delicious. So to celebrate this day, either do some mathematics involving Pi, eat pie, or watch the Life of Pi. 

Now as I'm too busy eating pies to write much more, what would be your best or most interesting pie filling? 

(yes this is a desperate attempt to get people to comment on my blog)

MasterChef: Cooking doesn't get more over-hyped than this.

MasterChef has returned to our TV screens! (Or at least it has if you receive BBC 1). Finally, more shouting about food, just what we need. Presented by Gregg Wallace, who's mouth looks like it is trying desperately to escape his face, and John Torode, professional chef and shouty-man, the show makes cooking seem like the most important and difficult thing in the world.

Of course being able to make a cow, or a horse, into an edible meal, or prepare vegetables so we don't eat the bad bits is important and not always easy, but it doesn't really merit shouting and repeating the phrase "cooking doesn't get tougher than this". First of all the show is just about cooking, something that in a modern day society pretty much anybody can either learn how to do easily, or avoid completely by purchasing ready-made meals. To imply that becoming a MasterChef puts you on a level of greatness somewhere between Nelson Mandela and Jesus is just ridiculous.

Secondly, the level of criticism that the contestants have to put up with is ridiculous. Naturally they are leaving themselves open to this kind of abuse by appearing on the show, so they really shouldn't get too worked up about it. It is still only cooking and if you get knocked out of the competition they won't slap a ban on you saying you can't cook anymore, or force you to get a tattoo on your forehead saying "poor cook".

The criticism itself is quite frankly disgusting. In times where people are having to go to food banks so they don't starve, to start complaining about how the buttery biscuit base doesn't look quite right is disgraceful. People elsewhere in the world are literally starving to death and the best thing we can think to do is, rather than help, get a shouty Australian to complain.

The food in the show is most of the time just as ridiculous. Barely anything that is cooked on the show looks or sounds like what any of us would call a meal. For example sliced, fried potato wedges and la morue cabossé, served with pea purée would translate to us normal people as fish, chips and mushy peas. Of course even if you understood what it was it is unlikely you'd eat it as the portions are so small you'd presume it was on a children's menu.

So yeah, I'm not a fan of MasterChef.

The Apocalypse!/Some snow in the U.K.

Like me, those who live outside of the south of England, who watch the news, may be forgiven for thinking that there has been some sort of apocalyptic event involving the planet freezing over.

What has actually happened is that there has been quite literally some snow, slightly late in the year. Of course this prompts the news to go into a self perpetuating tailspin, telling us not to panic while delivering the news in a way that looks like it has been specifically designed to cause us all to panic. The news also attaches far too much importance to this reasonably bad weather and then move on to a story in a war torn, poverty stricken African nation where hundreds of people are dying with worrying ease, as though their problems are nothing compared to our terrible half inch of snow.

Now of course driving in snowy or icy conditions can be dangerous, so take care and wrap up warm. Use your common sense basically. One thing which we are all often told in times of snow is to consider whether or not your journey is necessary. For example, taking someone to hospital because a washing machine fell on them from the 3rd floor of a building is a necessary journey. Taking a news crew to stand by the side of a motorway to show us what snow looks like and how dangerous motorways are when it is snowing is not a necessary journey. In fact 67% (I may have made this figure up) of all traffic accidents in the snow are caused by television news crews heading out in the snow to tell us how dangerous is it to head out in the snow.

It isn't just the snow that can be dangerous; temperatures as low as -5 can have disastrous consequences. Such as a cup of tea going cold slightly faster than you wanted it to. It may also mean you have to wear some sort of special clothing. Like a hat. Or gloves. Or a coat. How terrible it must be for people to have to sit in their expensive cars wearing more items than they wanted to. How awful. Some people have had to spend up to 10 hours overnight in these deadly temperatures, over 100 yards from civilisation.

Other people have a deluded idea of what authorities can do to help and a warped idea of suffering. Some are outraged that the gritters have not done their job. Although they have, it is just that below about -3 grit stops to work as an anti-freeze and once snow is a certain depth grit doesn't aid traction. Others are complaining that they weren't warned, apparently ignorant of the weather forecasts that are readily available at any time. There is a limit as to what authorities can do. Aside from warning people as best they can and trying to keep roads passable, there isn't a lot more to be done. Nobody controls the weather. A couple were annoyed at the police because they told them to stay put, presumably rather than leave their car and walk along a motorway in dangerous conditions. The same couple seemed equally annoyed when they were told to move to a warm service station. They even seemed puzzled as to why their Green Flag breakdown service wasn't there, forgetting that it is snowing all over the roads and is affecting other people than just themselves. They seemed angry that the Green Flag recovery vehicle didn't rush to them even after they explained they were going to a funeral, clearly forgetting that rushing in a van towards people that have broken down in dangerous conditions will only lead to more funerals.

So, ignore the people describing this as an apocalypse, use your common sense and get a grip. Or move up North. Its sunny today.

Hello German Readers and Apologies

Hello to my German readers. I hope the translate tool on the page is working and thanks for visiting!

Also apologies for the strange white box appearing over the text on the 'Happy Birthday Douglas Adams' post. If you click and drag to highlight the text then it should become visible. Unfortunately I can't write a strongly worded letter to Google telling them to sort this out, so I'm afraid being annoyed at pixels will have to do.

(A big thanks to all the other people who have read my page as well, of course)

Please share the blog around, even if its just to laugh sarcastically at, oh and please comment, good or bad, I don't mind.

Happy Birthday Douglas Adams.

Yes, yes, this seems like another post inspired by a Google Doodle, but I was going to do this anyway, I'm just glad Google have decided to do a Doodle.

The author of the brilliant Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, among many other excellent works, would've been celebrating his 61'st birthday. So to honour this marvelous chap here are some things which Douglas Adams has taught us that you really ought to know.

Space is big, really really big. "You won't believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is."

Letting a bulldozer run over somebody will do no damage whatsoever...to the bulldozer.

42 is the answer.

Towels are phenomenally, amazingly, brilliantly, fantastically, splendidly, marvelously, excellently, wonderfully, superbly, completely and utterly, undeniably useful.

"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes".

Robots can be depressed.

The universe is bizarre.

The secret to flying.

People are generally unhappy or idiots. Often both.

So, if you're curious about any of the above, well, go and read Mr Adams' works. You've not got an excuse now. Go on, go. Stop reading this rubbish and fill your mind with brilliance.

Happy Mother's Day mums

Just be nice to your mum.

Justin Bieber.

Anyone who has read more of my blog than just this post will know that I am not exactly a fan of Justin Bieber (I have no idea why he name is pronounced "bee-ber" when the way it is spelled suggests it should be pronounced "by-ber"). My general dislike/intense hatred (depending on my mood) of Justin Bieber is automatic as I am a man. I can just tell he is a massive d**k head, even before he turns up late to his own gig that hundreds of stupid young girls have wasted their lives by going to and paid loads of money for the dubious privilege. Women say they have "women's intuition" or "gaydar" or "can feel it in their waters", well I, along with most men, have an in-built tw*t detector. Said detector notches up full whenever Justin Bieber is mentioned. In case you think this is all nonsense, I have evidence.

He dresses like a prat.

He looks like a idiot.

He behaves like a buffoon.

He has no real talent.

He doesn't realise he has no real talent.

His music is terrible.

He doesn't realise his music is terrible.

He is just a craze that won't last much longer.

He doesn't realise he is just a craze that won't last much longer.

He turned up to his own concert late and probably past his bedtime.

In summary, Bieber is ignorant and is to music what a cattle grid is to a bee keeper; completely useless and makes an annoying sound.

International Women's Day

As regular readers (if I have any) may have noticed, this is another post inspired by the Google Doodle. Now International Women's Day is obviously an excellent way to highlight the plight of women. However, the fact that there has to be a separate day to highlight women's issues is worrying. The problems women face should be the same problems that the human race face. There isn't, for example, an International Blokes Day, highlighting the issues of pub closures, why certain footballers aren't as good as others and whether that celebrity is good looking or not. Problems that women face shouldn't be just their problems alone, it is all of our problems. If a woman was getting beaten up outside your house, or wherever you are right now, would you just stand and watch because it isn't your problem and just wait until another woman stops her from getting beaten to a pulp? Of course you wouldn't.

The concept of the International Women's Day is about 100 years old and a lot has changed in that time, but apparently not enough attitudes have changed. If you have a problem with women doing things you think only a man should do, or you think women aren't equal to you then seriously, get a grip. The human race has to face impending doom from several angles, so we really should stop squabbling amongst ourselves. If aliens are watching us then they must think we are horrible creatures, constantly fighting and generally getting on each others nerves, like a dysfunctional family in a sitcom you've probably seen, or neighbours you probably once had.

If we can't unite as a species then we really are doomed (unless climate change and asteroids and sea level rise and nuclear war and famine and flooding and drought aren't already going to kill us all for certain anyway). We need to move on and move forward, stop getting bogged down in differences in how we look or how many penises we have or where we just happened to plop out of our mothers' womb. Once we've got a grip then we can actually start to achieve things. 

Footballers, man up.

Football (or soccer if you're American) is a game which undoubtedly requires skill. To whinge like a toddler when the referee gives a decision you don't happen to agree with however, is just pathetic. Manchester United players surrounded the referee during a recent game against Real Madrid (which they lost) because he sent off a player for an offence which you can be sent off for. Once a referee has made a decision they will stick to it, no matter how much you crowd around him and argue with him. Man up and get on with the game. 

Footballers don't just act like a babies when they don't get their own way, they also roll on the floor in agony if somebody as much as touches them. I can only presume that shin-pads are made from paper and don't actually provide any protection whatsoever. If you've been fouled, or just touched, don't throw yourself on the floor then roll around clutching a random body part like you've been shot with a sniper rifle. Do they not realise that they are paid obscene amounts of money by thousands of fans to play football, not pretend they're injured. Amateur players have to pay to play the game they love and if you get injured as an amateur you don't get journalists asking after you or a full team of doctors and physiotherapists helping you regain fitness. 

Even when players are genuinely injured they're treated like they're made of glass. Frequently players are stretchered off when there is nothing wrong with their legs or their heads. Former Manchester City player Bert Trautmann broke his neck during a game but still carried on playing and didn't even go to hospital until the following day. That was in the 1950's. Footballers now are soft. Maybe they're not entirely to blame. They are treated like gods by millions and are paid more money than they know what to do with; it'd be hard not to let that affect you. But look at sports like rugby league. In the 2012 Grand Final Leeds Rhinos player Kevin Sinfield played the full 80 minutes, most of  them with concussion and won Man of the Match. In the same game Warrington Wolves player Paul Wood ruptured a testicle, which later had to be removed, but did he roll about on the floor and cry and moan and whinge like a baby to the referee? No, he played on. 

Footballers, man up.

Things I don't understand. Volume 2.

A few more things, of the many things, I don't understand

1. Gogglebox

This is Channel 4's new show which is just people watching TV. What is the point? I can do that by looking through random neighbours' windows.

2. The popularity of Apple products

Why do people go crazy for them? They're not bad things by any means, but why Apple has so many devoted fans is beyond me. Or are people just attracted to the shininess?

3. Shopping

It is so boring. People work for hours and complain about it for even longer, only to go to a massive shopping centre and give all of their earnings back to big companies by buying things they don't need and can't afford.

4. The Royal Family

Its 2013, why do we still have a Royal Family and why the hell do people give a toss about their lives? Go out and live your own life.

5. Arabic writing

I do not understand Arabic writing

6. Religion

I can understand why some people chose a religion, but why not instead put faith in science, or medicine, or technology or just something useful.

That's all for now, as ever any answers/comments are welcome.

We're all in this together.

One of the UK Government's lines for the past few years has been "we're all in this together". It has mainly been used by tiny mouthed, greasy-haired, polished faced, out of touch, Etonian toff David Cameron and evil eyed, socially shunned, bum-nosed, prat-about-town George Osborne. If they actually believe this utterly incorrect phrase that they've manage to squeeze out of their heads like a potty training toddler squeezing out a difficult poo, then here are some useful things that anybody other than a hermit will have identified as a massive contradiction.

1. Eric Pickles vs Food Banks

In case you've somehow missed Eric Pickles, he is the human walrus with a head that looks like a thumb with a miserable face drawn on. He is at present Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, presumably achieving this status by eating all the other candidates for the job. Now clearly this man is not in the same boat as people who rely on food banks so that they don't starve. So "we're all in this together" is accurate provided you don't include people who eat.

2. Bankers vs Anybody With Any Level of Morality Whatsoever

Okay, so bankers' bonuses are an easy (and often used) target, but it has to be mentioned. First of all, when everyone else is getting poorer, including people in your own bank, it really isn't justifiable to pay yourself a socking great big pile of cash. To think this is fine you'd have to have a moral compass more skewed than Oscar Pistorias' version of events. Secondly, to call this over-sized payment a bonus shows a complete disregard for the definition of a bonus. A bonus should be something you receive for doing well at your job or doing something beyond the call of duty. Not something you get for causing an economic collapse.

3.  The Rich vs The Poor

I know this is an obvious one, but the gap between the rich and poor is getting wider than David Coulthard's jaw. The majority of Tory politicians are much richer than the rest of us, but just to really rub it in they always  side with the wealthy. The Royal Family, big business owners and media tycoons have been able to get away with things that the rest of us would find ourselves imprisoned for.

4. Education vs Education

Put simply, if you're rich then you can send your child to a private school and if you're not rich then you don't. There is nothing wrong with state schools. They produce many fine men and women who don't grow up to become Tory politicians. Of course state schools are having their funding slashed more severely than a Jack the Ripper victim. Private schools, where pretty much all of the Tories were educated (and sodomised it would seem), aren't suffering any funding cuts and are instead pumped full of money by big businesses which have become so rich by exploiting others or just simply refusing to pay any tax.

5. The North vs The South

Like the gap between the rich and the poor, the North-South divide is also widening. The north of England, especially the north-east, has endured more numerous and deeper cuts than the south. This really is a very obvious example of how we are not "all in this together".

6. Politicians vs Human Beings

For most of the time it appears that the government live on, and are probably from, a different planet. The current Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, is a supporter of homeopathy. The Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne (who's real name is Gideon Oliver Osborne), was found to be fiddling his expenses. Michael Gove, Education Secretary, believes education is just a means of churning out people to work for big companies, rather than serving to broaden the mind. Oh and Environment Secretary, Owen Paterson, is a climate change sceptic. That is only just scratching the surface of how out of touch the government is with us Earthlings and our problems.

If there is one way we should be "all in this together", it should be in our agreement that we are ruled by a mob of morons.

Listen up peasants!

The Queen of England has been hospitalised! Has someone tried to assassinate her? Has she been mauled by her own Corgi? Have all those years of hat wearing and gentle waving finally caught up with her? No. She has a stomach bug. The worst case scenario (should you actually give a toss) is that she has Gastroenteritis, a stomach bug that the NHS don't even recommend you should see your GP about. 

First of all, admitting the Queen to hospital is a bigger waste of time and money than investing in a testicle kicking alarm clock. If this was anybody else, in pretty much anywhere else in the world, they'd be told to shut up and stop moaning like that 'friend' on Facebook who keeps posting statuses just to get attention (you know the one I mean). And quite rightly. Apart from wasting tax-payers' money on unnecessary treatment, you'd also be wasting the valuable time of doctors and nurses and receptionists. Why the Queen should be treated any differently from anybody else is beyond me. We're being told "we're all in it together", yet if you're suffering from a stomach bug you won't be rushed to hospital (if your hospital is still there after the cutbacks), nobody will care and you'll still have to go into work since if you take a few days off you'll starve, because the government took away your benefits (which you pay for through taxes) so the Queen can receive treatment she doesn't need and that you'd be refused. 

Secondly, nobody seems to notice anything wrong with all of the above. People just swallow it all up because the media devote a wildly inappropriate amount of time in broadcasting painfully dull details of posh peoples' lives. The BBC's Royal Correspondent, Nicholas Witchell, looks like the kind of grovelling little man who you'd find in a poorly written play. He, along with many other Royal Correspondents, seem to have no lives, only doing anything whenever the royal family do anything  (I am aware of the irony of me commenting on their commenting). Essentially royal correspondents are parasites living off parasites. And yet thousands of people scream like lobotomised peasants whenever there is a royal event. Why? In 2013 there is no need for a royal family, they're just a drain on society. They do not make the country richer through tourism either so don't even comment about that. Buckingham Palace would make much more money if it was owned by the national trust. Opening it to the public for a fee would pay for its upkeep, rather than taxpayers' money paying for all of those rooms that lie empty. No doubt some middle and upper class people will disagree entirely with everything I've wrote. These are also the kind of people who look down their noses at people who like Big Brother and other reality TV shows. Now don't get me wrong, I am not a fan of any of these shows, but the royal family are essentially serving the same purpose as Big Brother, but for the middle and upper classes.

Ah well, back to work, peasants. 

Utterly Pointless.

Well, I know I said I'd try and make this blog in some way useful, but instead here are my top 10 pointless websites. Enjoy!

1. Eel slap!

If you want to slap a perfectly innocent human being with an eel through the magic that is the internet then this website is most definitely for you. If you want to do it over and over again and backwards then feel free, but this is not a useful way to spend 3 hours.

2.  Feed the Head

Difficult one to explain. Obviously you do sort of feed a head, but there is more to it than that, although none of it makes sense. Strangely addictive but DO NOT attempt to try it in real life.

3. walama

uh....

4. Random colour

Does this need an explanation?

5. Has the Large Hadron Collider Destroyed the World yet?

Just in case you want to be sure, this website has to be the first place you look.

6. r33b.net

All glory to the Hypnotoad!

7. sanger.dk

Fool your friends! Although it is disturbing. Really disturbing.

8. Chicken on a Raft

Well worth a look just for the song!

9. beesbeesbees.com

Okay, so you can probably guess what this one is, but it is better than you think, especially if you like bees.

10. www.wwwdotcom.com

I had to end on this. So glad I found this page. Goodbye!

Dydd Gŵyl Dewi hapus! (Happy Saint David's Day)

Unless you've somehow missed the large fire-breathing red dragon featured on the Google homepage or you're not in the UK, you'll probably be well aware that it is Saint David's Day. So, as it is a day to celebrate all things Welsh, here are my top 5 things to like about Wales.

1. Castles

There are lots of castles in Wales. There are big castles, small castles, ruined castles, preserved castles, touristy castles and tucked away castles. Basically, if you like castles, you will like Wales. Ones that are definitely worth a visit are Conwy (well preserved, big and surviving medieval town walls), Criccieth (ruined, but fantastic setting and views along the north Wales coast), Beaumaris (on the beautiful Anglesey coast, complete with moat and long dark corridors), Harlech (almost stereotypical castle, in a brilliant location) and Caenarfon (perfect if you like the kind of castle you could still live in). These are just a few, but there are more excellent, tucked away castles that are free to visit. Dolwyddelan Castle in Snowdonia and Denbigh Castle are two that I would recommend. Basically, get out there and explore them.

2. Snowdonia

The north Wales national park is home to the highest mountain, Snowdon (3560 ft), in England and Wales. There are many spectacular and beautiful mountains to climb and views to be had. If you prefer walking on the flat there are plenty of lakes, rivers, streams and forests to wander through. If you're more interested in history then there is plenty of evidence of the slate mining industry and the museums that go with it, as well as the continuing farming industry. There are a number of beautiful little towns and villages, such as Beddgelert and Betws-y-Coed. Even if the whole standing up and walking about thing isn't for you then take a ride on one of the steam railways. The Ffestiniog Railway, Welsh Highland Railway and the Snowdon Mountain Railway are all brilliantly easy, comfortable and relaxing ways to take in the beautiful scenery. You really don't have an excuse not to go!

3. The Menai Strait

Probably one of the most beautiful stretches of water anywhere in the world. Separating the Island of Anglesey from mainland Wales, the strait offers beautiful views right along both coastlines and to the mountains of Snowdonia beyond. The strait itself is full of wildlife and activity. Many beautiful houses and boats line the banks of these sometimes dangerous waters. I would recommend taking a sea kayak onto the strait to really appreciate its beauty and its wildlife, but as it is a narrow tidal channel, take caution as the currents can be dangerous and are very quick and powerful. If you don't fancy kayaking the strait then there are rib rides, which blast along it for a quick thrill. The strait is still just as enjoyable by sticking to the coast. There are plenty of points of interest, such as the memorial to Admiral Lord Nelson, Thomas Telford's suspension bridge, Stephenson's Britannia Bridge, the aforementioned Beaumaris Castle, Fort Belan and The Marquess of Anglesey's Column (which is well worth the 115 step climb). There are also a number of picturesque towns along the strait, such as Beaumaris, Bangor and Caenarfon. A good, full weekend can easily be had on the Menai Strait.

4. Cardiff

The Welsh capital is home to a wide range of attractions. The Millennium Staium is a fantasic venue which has hosted rugby league, rugby union, football, motor sports, boxing, sports screenings, eventing, music concerts and even some filming of Doctor Who (something which the whole city has been part of). Cardiff is also home to many arts institutions as well as the usual attractions of pubs, clubs and restaurants. The blend of old and new works well within the city, from the castle (yes, another one) and cathedral to the new shopping outlets and modern architecture of Cardiff Bay. Well worth spending a day.

5. Pembrokeshire Coast National Park

As you'd expect from the name, the Pembrokeshire coastline is beautiful and varied. Award winning sandy beaches fall between dramatic cliffs, while wooded streams and rivers flow from the hills and spill out into estuaries. The area is also very important for wildlife, with many conservation areas dotted between picturesque towns such as Tenby and Saundersfoot. I really could go on with impressive facts and figures, of which there are many, but the best thing to do is get out there. It is an area, which even on a rainy day, can still be enjoyed by all.

Well, that's my top 5, although to narrow it down to just 5 really isn't fair on Wales. It is a country that you definitely should visit. I haven't even mentioned the Victorian seaside town of Llandudno, lots of other castles, the Brecon Beacons National Park as well as countless other towns, villages, cities and indoor and outdoor activities that are well worth seeing and experiencing.

So, without trying to sound like I work for the Welsh Tourist Board, please do visit Wales.