Its all just a Pope-ularity contest.

With the shock news that a frail and elderly man is to retire at the tender age of 85, from a job in which millions expect him to be the voice of God, the Vatican now needs a new man in charge (although I'm not sure why). This is my break down of the front runners for the job, to help you decide who would be best at Poping.

Cardinal Mark Oullett

At just 68 he is unlikely do die anytime soon, which gives him an obvious advantage over other candidates. Judging from his pictures on the internet he has a bigger, shinier hat than many other wannabe Popes, which should stand him in good stead for all of that hat wearing that the Pope does have to do. He wears glasses which could be a problem as, once over the age of 50, locating spectacles becomes an extremely difficult task. Also a high risk of them falling off his balcony. No facial hair, grey on top, looks bored/miserable enough to be Pope. He's got every chance.

Cardinal Francis Arinze

At 80 years old, Francis is the oldest potential Pope, but with age comes wisdom. Also with age comes senility, loss of hearing, loss of eyesight, hair loss and a general dislike for loud music. Again wears glasses, but a less shiny hat. Will need to bling things up if he wants to impress God. Has the unfortunate disadvantage of not being white. Nothing wrong with this of course, but the Catholic Church looks about as ready for a black Pope as this blog looks ready to win a writing award. He does appear to have the general disposition of a Pope however: vaguely bewildered, bored, peacefully balancing on the edge between life and death. Unlikely winner, but maybe worth a punt.

Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson

Another black candidate from Africa, this Papal pretender doesn't wear glasses, dresses more brightly and doesn't look like a poorly functioning robot of himself. At just 64, this young whippersnapper has got plenty of years left in him and is a contender for the best name. Also looks more competent (the kind of chap who can go to the toilet unassisted) and has quite a nice smile. In summary: no chance.

Cardinal Tarcisio Pietro Evasio Bertone

The other candidate for best name, but a full 14 years older than his a rival. Wears glasses and dresses the part (shiny, really shiny), but still no sign of any facial hair and is the fourth in a row to be grey on top. Looks generally uncomfortable and does speak five languages fluently, including Spanish (and nobody expects the Spanish inquisition!). Has done the legwork and can also read several languages. Definitely boring enough to be in with a chance.

Cardinal Angelo Scola

Only 71 and has a name that sounds like a footballer who you think you remember. Really blings it up but still wears glasses and is grey on top, so nothing too outlandish. Only recently became Archbishop of Milan and looks like he would kill anyone who got in his way. Certainly has a boring enough past to become Pope, but seems too ambitious, as though he wants God's job too.

Joao Braz de Aviz

Not even a cardinal, but doesn't have grey hair! Quite plump and looks stereotypically jolly. Dresses the part but seems far too on the ball to become Pope. Seems nice, which might make him popular, but not got his head far enough up in the clouds to really be a contender. Will become host of a religiously themed Brazilian game show at best. 

Well that is my run down. Not that it matters. 

*Sorry about the white text on white, no idea what has happened there. I'll keep working on it, but in the mean time if you highlight the white areas then you should then be able to read the text.